I do not look for pity, I refuse pity. But I want people to understand, my body is failing, not to expect much out of me. I will do what I can. I will do as much as I can.
I’m a human being in a failing body.
And such is life, everything does come to an end. Sometimes chaotic other times peacefully.
I’ve been using KIVA bars, and taking large doses of ibuprofren. These meds combined have been wreaking havoc on my digestive system, yet the two work together to create a pain killing compound that is non-addictive, and more powerful than opiates.
The downfall to using KIVA on a daily basis, I am starting to build up a tolerance. Which means I have to take more and more. When I up the dosage, from 1 tab to 2 tabs and now 3 tabs, I get a high like feeling but not in a good way. The pain goes away, then I can barely keep my eyes open. Sleep takes over and rest is spotty.
I was also diagnosed with Mononucleosis this past friday, that’s what Get for having a fling with a woman, 8 years celibate, and the first one I lay with, gives me mono, because apparently she likes to sleep around.
So on top of the pain, I have to deal with chronic fatigue. And for mono to go away, one needs a lot of rest, and rest doesn’t come easy when there is a constant unrelenting flow of pain in the shoulders, knees and muscles.
I know that I’m getting old, but..
Do we have to drop dead like an old ford car? Run till we clonker out to a sputtering death? What a shitty way to experience an end game…
I made a promise to myself. When I become wheelchair bound, and before I lose complete use of my hands and arms. I’m eating lead.
I will not die with my dignity shredded!
Went 2 months ignoring the pain, and symptoms, such as inability to swallow food, keep it down. Breathing has become difficult, even with medication, almost like muscles are failing. The knees buckling at random moments, and walking has become so painful that it’s almost to much to try and get to my feet. My shoulder and shoulder blade pains so severe I was rendered unconscious.
I finally went to the hospital. Exactly the reasons why I don’t like hospitals. Here stands my proof. “Nothing ever good comes from going to an ER”
I was diagnosed with degenerative bone-loss disease aka Osteoarthritis and Miotonic Muscular Dystrophy. I am not upset, I am not sad. I am outside the motions of denial and acceptance. It is what it is, and this is my plight I must endure.
In the course of 11 weeks I went from being active, mobile, and zany, to being
placated on the couch, and barely able to make it to the bathroom on time. I started a company, which I fear I may have to sell or shut it down because I can no longer stand the pain that comes with doing my job.
My hatred for life has only been compounded on top of the other shit.
There is no anger, there is only a wish.
“Make it fast, and painless as possible!”