Three and a half weeks ago, on April 24, 2022, I decided to reach out to someone I had not spoken to in 20-something years. I wanted to settle up and resolve any issues from our past. The reasons we have not seen each other in many years are not as important as it is reconnecting.
The first night it felt as if we had never spent any time away from one another. The same emotions, the same level of empathy, the same level of energy, the same chemistry that we shared so long ago was still there, just dormant.
Almost an entire month later, I have felt something stir inside me I thought was long dead and gone, extinct if you will. An unexplained emotion. Almost the same physical feeling as being hungry or the excitement of being on a roller coaster.
I don’t know if it is healthy because I haven’t felt like this for 30 years. The last time I felt this way, it didn’t last very long, and I was too immature to truly appreciate it.
I can honestly say that I love her deeply, truly, and passionately. I am not IN love with her; I will not allow myself to be. It would be tragic to put her through trauma, sadness, and grief. I am dying from a very unpleasant disease. So to ask her to be by my side at the end would be wrong of me. Despicable almost.
But I can not deny that I love her. I can deny I want her in my life. I want a bit of happiness in my life before there is no more flame in the old lighthouse lantern.
I am lost at sea with her, Yet I am drawn to her like tides to the moon. The ebb and flow of emotions are crazy. And These seas are rough. These uncharted waters leave me anxious, arousing emotional, social, mental, and physical parts of me. I took decades locking strong boxes and tossing them over the bow. Watching them drown in the depths of memories.
Her energy is like the sun after a cold rainy day, it is like the smell of a spring shower and the grass is new, the flowers are blooming, and the maple trees are spreading their leaves for the first time. Basking in that energy is intoxicating. It’s a drug of choice. However, at the same time, it puts me dead center of a maelstrom and a whirlpool. Not knowing whether to clubhorne or drop sails. Either way, navigating this stretch is mind-boggling and emotionally draining.
It’s not a bad image, but it’s a troublesome one. Because I have no idea how to go forward with her. I have no idea how to be with her. I’m a social retard. But I know what I want, and I have the balls to seek it out and claim the treasure. But is the catch really mine? Should I drop anchor and row to shore and pitch camp? Or should I just allow myself to go down in the whirlpool and be washed out of her life? So many questions.